Jim: You could at least make him chip in around the house, you know, maybe do his own laundry.
Audrey: That seems fair.
Jim: Really?
Audrey: Yeah.
Jim: Hmm.
Audrey: What?
Jim: I wasn't prepared to win an argument.

Jim: Well, be careful. I own a timeshare in Florida 'cause the saleslady looked like Raquel Welch.
Georgie: I don't know who that is.
Jim: Oh, she was a knockout. Had curves in all the right places. She wore this fur bikini in a movie. Man, I still think about it.
Georgie: Fur bikini?
Ruben: Was she cold?
Jim: Get back to work. [exits]
Georgie: [snorts] "Curves in all the right places."
Ruben: Dude is old.

Jim: Well, here's an idea, how about you take some night classes, brush up on your computer skills and get a nice, cushy office job?
Mandy: Office job? Why did I spend six years getting a degree in Communications?
Jim: I asked that question for six years.
Mandy: Well, I'm not giving up on my dream.
Audrey: No one's saying that.
Jim: I am.

Jim: You know, Georgie's right, when you don't hear people laughing, it's hard to know what's funny. [Georgie and Mandy's First Marriage studio audience laughs]

Georgie: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Hmm. That explains a lot. Have you read it?
Ms. Hutchins: Several times.
Georgie: Did it work?
Ms. Hutchins: Yes, my love life is fantastic. Do you want the book or not?
Georgie: Sure. I'm young and married, you're old and alone. It's funny how things work out.
Ms. Hutchins: Hilarious.

Ms. Hutchins: Georgie?
Georgie: Ms. Hutchins? You quit working at the high school?
Ms. Hutchins: No, I do both. This one for the money, high school librarian for the glamour. What brings you by?
Georgie: I'm kind of looking for a book on relationships. My wife and I are having a bit of a spat.
Ms. Hutchins: You're married?
Georgie: Got a baby, too.
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, you knocked her up. That makes more sense.

Georgie: Speaking of making sense, you got any books that explain women or marriage or whatever it is I did wrong?
Ms. Hutchins: Oh. I have just the thing.
Georgie: You married?
Ms. Hutchins: Me? Oh, I'm too busy having fun to settle down.