Audrey: Put that back, you've had enough.
Jim: It's a holiday, I'm celebrating.
Audrey: You're embarrassing yourself is what you're doing.
Jim: I'm having a good time! Maybe you need a drink.
Audrey: I have been up since the crack of dawn putting this thing together. You are not gonna ruin it.
Jim: Oh, I'm not "rooning" anything. R-Roonin... Ru-in-ing.
Audrey: Oh, my God, listen to yourself.
Jim: Eh, I'd rather listen to me than you.

Jim: Well, be careful. I own a timeshare in Florida 'cause the saleslady looked like Raquel Welch.
Georgie: I don't know who that is.
Jim: Oh, she was a knockout. Had curves in all the right places. She wore this fur bikini in a movie. Man, I still think about it.
Georgie: Fur bikini?
Ruben: Was she cold?
Jim: Get back to work. [exits]
Georgie: [snorts] "Curves in all the right places."
Ruben: Dude is old.

Jim: Well, here's an idea, how about you take some night classes, brush up on your computer skills and get a nice, cushy office job?
Mandy: Office job? Why did I spend six years getting a degree in Communications?
Jim: I asked that question for six years.
Mandy: Well, I'm not giving up on my dream.
Audrey: No one's saying that.
Jim: I am.

Jim: You know, Georgie's right, when you don't hear people laughing, it's hard to know what's funny. [Georgie and Mandy's First Marriage studio audience laughs]

Jim: Maybe next year, we can take CeeCee to the Macy's Parade.
Audrey: [gasps] You're not taking my granddaughter to New York City. She'll come back a Democrat.
Mandy: She's a baby.
Audrey: A God-fearing, Republican baby.

Mary Cooper: This is a nice surprise.
Georgie: Just wanted to drop off some of CeeCee's old clothes for the donation room.
Mary Cooper: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to hang on to these in case you have another one?
Georgie: Oh, we ain't planning on another one just yet.
Mary Cooper: You weren't planning on the first one, either.
Georgie: Fair point.

Meemaw: So, how's it going? My little great-granddaughter saying "meemaw" yet?
Mandy: No, just "dada." Pisses me off.
Dale Ballard: Uh, enjoy it. My kid doesn't even talk to me anymore.
Meemaw: Why bring it up?
Dale Ballard: It's called making conversation.