Meemaw: Mary? To toast the new house?
Mary Cooper: I can toast with ginger ale.
Meemaw: Jesus drank wine.
Mary Cooper: 'Cause they didn't have Schweppes.

Mary Cooper: This is a nice surprise.
Georgie: Just wanted to drop off some of CeeCee's old clothes for the donation room.
Mary Cooper: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to hang on to these in case you have another one?
Georgie: Oh, we ain't planning on another one just yet.
Mary Cooper: You weren't planning on the first one, either.
Georgie: Fair point.

Mary Cooper: She is out. "Soft Kitty" works every time.

Mandy: Mary, you know you're always welcome here.
Mary Cooper: Am I? Sure doesn't feel that way.
Audrey: Oh, come down off the cross.
Mary Cooper: Lady, you do not want me to come down.
Georgie: All right, all right, y'all need to cool your jets.
Mary Cooper: Don't worry, I am leaving.
Audrey: Thanks for stopping by.
Mary Cooper: Oh, I'll pray for you, but I do not have high hopes.

Pastor Jeff: O-Okay, okay, rather than focusing on past transgressions, why don't we find a path forward? A means by which this family can return to God's grace.
Audrey: Well, I am returning home.
Mary Cooper: Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
Pastor Jeff: Mary!

Audrey: What am I looking at?
Georgie: The Grandmother Agreement. I typed it up.
Mandy: And I fixed the spelling.
Georgie: Anyways, it's a contract. Sheldon used to make these when people weren't getting along.
Mary Cooper: "CeeCee will spend the night at the Cooper house twice a month." I like that.
Audrey: Ooh, and I get doctor's appointments.
Georgie: Which you will lose if...
Audrey: If I refer to Mary as "that woman," or "that kook" or... I prefer not to say this one out loud.
Mandy: And same goes for you... no name-calling, or "bless your hearts." We all know what that means.
Mary Cooper: Fine.

Georgie: You know, when you think about it... [Mandy slaps Georgie's arm] Best not to think about it.

Georgie: Fine. Then come have dinner at the McAllisters'.
Mary Cooper: With your mother-in-law? Not for a million dollars.
Georgie: Oh, come on. She's not a monster. [off Mary's look] Come on.
Mary Cooper: No.
Georgie: Fine. I didn't want to do this, but as the man of the house, I'm putting my foot down. You're coming.
Mary Cooper: I have a foot of my own. Would you like to know where I'm gonna put it?
Georgie: No, ma'am.
Mary Cooper: All right, then. [exits]
Georgie: "All right, then."

Audrey: I was thinking about what happened yesterday, and I can understand why you felt left out.
Mary Cooper: 'Cause you left me out?
Audrey: Yes, and that was... inconsiderate of me.
Mary Cooper: Is this an apology?
Audrey: I don't want to fight for CeeCee's sake.
Mary Cooper: But is it an apology?
Audrey: Yes, geez.
Mary Cooper: We do not say "geez" in my church.
Audrey: Sorry.
Mary Cooper: But thank you.

Georgie: Look who I brought!
Mary Cooper: Oh, there's my favorite girl!
Georgie: I won't tell Missy.
Mary Cooper: Oh. After the tattoo, she's not even top three.

Pastor Jeff: Now, Georgie, I know you're upset, but the Bible's pretty clear about how you should treat your parents.
Mary Cooper: It's "honor your mother," not "honor your mother-in-law."
Pastor Jeff: Mary.
Georgie: I get that, but I also made a vow to my wife who has a mother herself.
Mary Cooper: Oh, she's a mother, all right.
Pastor Jeff: Mary! Now, as I was saying, you do need to honor your wife, as well.
Mary Cooper: Who, for the record, is on my side.
Georgie: Only 'cause she don't want to be on her mom's side!
Mary Cooper: Because that woman is a monster. She left me out of CeeCee's "My First Photo Album."
Pastor Jeff: So she's a monster, and he's a Judas because of a baby's photo album?
Mary Cooper: You had to be there.

Georgie: She tried to apologize to you, and you wouldn't have it.
Mary Cooper: Apology, my sweet patootie.
Pastor Jeff: Mary, language.
Georgie: You can't say "patootie"?
Pastor Jeff: Maybe we should invite your mother-in-law to be a part of this conversation.
Mary Cooper: Tell her she's wrong to her face. I like it.

Audrey: I don't understand why I have to be here.
Mary Cooper: You're about to. Let her have it.
Pastor Jeff: No one's letting anyone have it.
Audrey: I already apologized once, I'm not doing it again.
Mary Cooper: You sure? You could really use the practice.

Georgie: While I'm here, I wanted to let you know we're gonna come to your place for Thanksgiving.
Mary Cooper: Oh. I'm not doing Thanksgiving this year.
Georgie: What are you talking about?
Mary Cooper: Well, Sheldon's in school, and Missy got invited to a friend's.
Georgie: Well, she can't go. It's Thanksgiving.
Mary Cooper: I already told her she could. And to be perfectly honest, I don't feel like celebrating.
Georgie: But this was Dad's favorite holiday.
Mary Cooper: I know, and doing it without him would just be too hard.

Mary Cooper: If this is about Thanksgiving, I'm not changing my mind.
Mandy: Well, your mom and Missy are coming.
Mary Cooper: I don't care.
Mandy: Look, I understand, I really do. I-I just think...
Mary Cooper: You do not understand. You do not know what it's like to lose a husband.
Mandy: I don't, um, but Georgie's struggling, too, and I think it would be great...
Mary Cooper: Well, I'm sorry if I'm disappointing everyone, but this is what I need. And for once, I am putting myself first.
Mandy: Okay. Sorry.

Mary Cooper: I do not need you sticking up for me.
Georgie: I wasn't. I was on Audrey's side.
Mary Cooper: I can't believe you were on her side!
Georgie: You were just mad at me for being on your side!
Mary Cooper: Now I'm not! Keep up!