Photographer: All right. Why don't we get the grandmas a little closer to the baby?
Mandy: Nope, they're fine where they are.
Georgie: Just take the picture.
Photographer: And smile.

Mary Cooper: Just one question. If she dies, do I get her CeeCee time?
Georgie: Mom!
Mary Cooper: We'll cross that bridge when we get there. [Mary and Audrey sign the contracts]
Georgie: Look at that... one big happy family.
Audrey: Yeah, right.
Mandy: Oh, at least let the ink dry!

Audrey: What am I looking at?
Georgie: The Grandmother Agreement. I typed it up.
Mandy: And I fixed the spelling.
Georgie: Anyways, it's a contract. Sheldon used to make these when people weren't getting along.
Mary Cooper: "CeeCee will spend the night at the Cooper house twice a month." I like that.
Audrey: Ooh, and I get doctor's appointments.
Georgie: Which you will lose if...
Audrey: If I refer to Mary as "that woman," or "that kook" or... I prefer not to say this one out loud.
Mandy: And same goes for you... no name-calling, or "bless your hearts." We all know what that means.
Mary Cooper: Fine.

Pastor Jeff: Mandy, Georgie, why don't we discuss how to improve your relationship with each other and the Lord?
Mandy: Oh, I forgive you. Let's go.
Georgie: Sweet! [both exit]
Pastor Jeff: I'm gonna call that one a win.

Pastor Jeff: O-Okay, okay, rather than focusing on past transgressions, why don't we find a path forward? A means by which this family can return to God's grace.
Audrey: Well, I am returning home.
Mary Cooper: Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
Pastor Jeff: Mary!

Mandy: You two are ridiculous.
Georgie: I couldn't agree more, honey. [places hand on Mandy's knee]
Mandy: Oh, don't try to be on my side. [pushes Georgie away]

Pastor Jeff: Now, as I'm sure y'all know, the Bible teaches us that a house divided cannot stand.
Georgie: Great, so how do we un-divide it?
Pastor Jeff: Love.
Audrey: Well, that's just a bunch of Baptist baloney.
Mary Cooper: You hear this? Blasphemy!
Pastor Jeff: Mary, take it down a notch.
Audrey: Ha.
Pastor Jeff: And Audrey, if you could please show a little respect.
Mary Cooper: Hmm.

Mandy: Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you for coming, Mandy. Please, take a seat.
Mandy: [scoffs] [quietly to Georgie] You said it was an emergency.
Georgie: [quietly] I'm sleeping on the couch. It kind of is.

Georgie: All right, that's enough! You two have got to work this out 'cause you got me and Mandy taking sides.
Audrey: He thinks Mandy was out of line.
Georgie: You are just a blabbermouth!

Audrey: I don't understand why I have to be here.
Mary Cooper: You're about to. Let her have it.
Pastor Jeff: No one's letting anyone have it.
Audrey: I already apologized once, I'm not doing it again.
Mary Cooper: You sure? You could really use the practice.

Georgie: She tried to apologize to you, and you wouldn't have it.
Mary Cooper: Apology, my sweet patootie.
Pastor Jeff: Mary, language.
Georgie: You can't say "patootie"?
Pastor Jeff: Maybe we should invite your mother-in-law to be a part of this conversation.
Mary Cooper: Tell her she's wrong to her face. I like it.

Pastor Jeff: Now, Georgie, I know you're upset, but the Bible's pretty clear about how you should treat your parents.
Mary Cooper: It's "honor your mother," not "honor your mother-in-law."
Pastor Jeff: Mary.
Georgie: I get that, but I also made a vow to my wife who has a mother herself.
Mary Cooper: Oh, she's a mother, all right.
Pastor Jeff: Mary! Now, as I was saying, you do need to honor your wife, as well.
Mary Cooper: Who, for the record, is on my side.
Georgie: Only 'cause she don't want to be on her mom's side!
Mary Cooper: Because that woman is a monster. She left me out of CeeCee's "My First Photo Album."
Pastor Jeff: So she's a monster, and he's a Judas because of a baby's photo album?
Mary Cooper: You had to be there.

Pastor Jeff: Coopers. Couldn't help overhear the bickering and thought perhaps I could put on my counseling hat.
Mary Cooper: I was just betrayed by my own son.
Georgie: I didn't betray you.
Mary Cooper: Judas!
Pastor Jeff: Whoa. Mary, that's a little rough.
Georgie: How am I like the guy who ended up in the whale? [Mary scoffs]
Pastor Jeff: That was Jonah.
Georgie: Oh, right. Judas, Jonah, Jesus. Lot of "J" s.

Mary Cooper: I do not need you sticking up for me.
Georgie: I wasn't. I was on Audrey's side.
Mary Cooper: I can't believe you were on her side!
Georgie: You were just mad at me for being on your side!
Mary Cooper: Now I'm not! Keep up!

Georgie: [sighs] I thought you might like a little baby time.
Mary Cooper: I would.
Georgie: But first... I need you to fix this mess with Audrey.
Mary Cooper: I'm not the one who needs to fix it.
Georgie: Last time she tried, didn't go so great.
Mary Cooper: That's her fault.
Georgie: I don't care. You two fighting's got to stop.
Mary Cooper: This has nothing to do with you.
Georgie: Yes, it does. I'm sleeping on the couch 'cause of y'all. I woke up at, like, 1 in the morning, some weird guy named "Conan" was on TV.

Georgie: Look who I brought!
Mary Cooper: Oh, there's my favorite girl!
Georgie: I won't tell Missy.
Mary Cooper: Oh. After the tattoo, she's not even top three.

Connor: Trouble with the little woman?
Georgie: Go to bed, Connor.
Connor: I was hoping to watch my friend Jay Leno.
Georgie: Fine.
Jay Leno: [on TV] Had some of the green donuts, had some of the green coffee...
Georgie: Just so you know, this ain't a big deal. Your sister and I'll work it out.
Connor: Do you mind? [laughter on TV] [laughs] This guy. [laughs]
Jay Leno: [on TV] Pots of gold...
Georgie: You gonna watch the whole show?
Connor: Uh, normally, I'd go to sleep after the monologue, but Sinbad's on. [laughing loudly] Oh, Jay, you're the best.

Mandy: After all the crap she's given you, I can't believe you're siding with her over your poor, widowed mother.
Georgie: My poor, widowed mother could have accepted her apology, and this'd be all over.
Mandy: Oh, just forget it. Let's go to sleep.
Georgie: Gladly.
Mandy: You know, it's not fair to be mad at you.
Georgie: Thank you.
Mandy: I saw a thing on TV that the human brain isn't fully formed till 25, so I have to assume that's what's going on here.
Georgie: Yeah? Well, I saw a thing on TV about early-onset menopause. Maybe that's what's going on here.
[cut to Georgie preparing the couch to sleep on]

Georgie: Mandy...
Mandy: [sighs] I can't believe you told my mother I was out of line.
Georgie: She told you?
Mandy: Yeah.
Georgie: Well, I wouldn't have said it if I knew she was gonna blab!

Georgie: Remember when I used to wear tighty-whities? I've come a long way.