Pastor Jeff: Coopers. Couldn't help overhear the bickering and thought perhaps I could put on my counseling hat.
Mary Cooper: I was just betrayed by my own son.
Georgie: I didn't betray you.
Mary Cooper: Judas!
Pastor Jeff: Whoa. Mary, that's a little rough.
Georgie: How am I like the guy who ended up in the whale? [Mary scoffs]
Pastor Jeff: That was Jonah.
Georgie: Oh, right. Judas, Jonah, Jesus. Lot of "J" s.

Pastor Jeff: Now, Georgie, I know you're upset, but the Bible's pretty clear about how you should treat your parents.
Mary Cooper: It's "honor your mother," not "honor your mother-in-law."
Pastor Jeff: Mary.
Georgie: I get that, but I also made a vow to my wife who has a mother herself.
Mary Cooper: Oh, she's a mother, all right.
Pastor Jeff: Mary! Now, as I was saying, you do need to honor your wife, as well.
Mary Cooper: Who, for the record, is on my side.
Georgie: Only 'cause she don't want to be on her mom's side!
Mary Cooper: Because that woman is a monster. She left me out of CeeCee's "My First Photo Album."
Pastor Jeff: So she's a monster, and he's a Judas because of a baby's photo album?
Mary Cooper: You had to be there.

Georgie: She tried to apologize to you, and you wouldn't have it.
Mary Cooper: Apology, my sweet patootie.
Pastor Jeff: Mary, language.
Georgie: You can't say "patootie"?
Pastor Jeff: Maybe we should invite your mother-in-law to be a part of this conversation.
Mary Cooper: Tell her she's wrong to her face. I like it.

Audrey: I don't understand why I have to be here.
Mary Cooper: You're about to. Let her have it.
Pastor Jeff: No one's letting anyone have it.
Audrey: I already apologized once, I'm not doing it again.
Mary Cooper: You sure? You could really use the practice.

Pastor Jeff: Now, as I'm sure y'all know, the Bible teaches us that a house divided cannot stand.
Georgie: Great, so how do we un-divide it?
Pastor Jeff: Love.
Audrey: Well, that's just a bunch of Baptist baloney.
Mary Cooper: You hear this? Blasphemy!
Pastor Jeff: Mary, take it down a notch.
Audrey: Ha.
Pastor Jeff: And Audrey, if you could please show a little respect.
Mary Cooper: Hmm.

Pastor Jeff: Mandy, Georgie, why don't we discuss how to improve your relationship with each other and the Lord?
Mandy: Oh, I forgive you. Let's go.
Georgie: Sweet! [both exit]
Pastor Jeff: I'm gonna call that one a win.

Mary Cooper: Just one question. If she dies, do I get her CeeCee time?
Georgie: Mom!
Mary Cooper: We'll cross that bridge when we get there. [Mary and Audrey sign the contracts]
Georgie: Look at that... one big happy family.
Audrey: Yeah, right.
Mandy: Oh, at least let the ink dry!

Georgie: I'm just saying, we could be the first ones selling 'em.
Jim: Georgie, I don't want to hear about Korean tires no more.
Georgie: [sighs] But if we act now, we can corner the market.
Jim: Texans like American tires.
Audrey: Michelin is French.
Jim: But they don't know that.
Georgie: It's a family business. Why don't we take a vote?
Jim: 'Cause it ain't a democracy. I'm the only one who gets a vote. [Audrey clears throat] Me and Audrey are the only ones who get a vote.
Connor: Question.
Jim: You don't get a vote.

Georgie: They're cheaper, they're high quality...
Jim: I don't care. [Georgie sighs]
Mandy: How about that OJ trial. Crazy, right?
Jim: Georgie, I've made my decision.
Georgie: Fine.
Mandy: You know, I really thought that glove was gonna fit.
Connor: But it didn't.

Georgie: If he'd just get out of my way, I could make him money.
Mandy: [scoffs] Be patient, he'll come around.
Georgie: [sighs] I just want to be rich while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.
Mandy: You're not even 20.
Georgie: Fine, while you're still young enough to enjoy it.

Georgie: But when I set a goal, that's all I can think about.
Mandy: Really? That's all you can think about right now?
Georgie: I guess I could think about two things. [kisses Mandy]
Mandy: You know, it turns me on when you're all fired up like this.
Georgie: Well, thank your dad.
Mandy: Georgie.
Georgie: Sorry.

Jim: Kid makes me crazy sometimes.
Audrey: I've never seen you two knock heads like this.
Jim: Yeah, you must be thrilled.
Audrey: I should be. [sighs] I want to be. I'll get there.

Connor: Is it me or is it a little tense in here?
Audrey: Connor.
Connor: Oh, we're ignoring it, okay.

Georgie: Take me back? I'm the one who quit.
Jim: Like hell you quit. I fired your ass.
Georgie: You never said "fired."
Jim: You never said "quit."
Georgie: I walked out.
Jim: I showed you the door.
Georgie: I knew where it was!

Mandy: Okay, come on, you're family, you know you're gonna have to make up eventually.
Jim: Don't be so sure. I got a sister I ain't talked to in 12 years.
Georgie: Yeah? Well, I got a brother I barely talked to, and I lived with him.
Connor: Why did you stop talking to Aunt Denise? I miss her.

Mandy: Sweetie... you know I love and support you, but what the hell are you doing?
Georgie: Standing up for myself.
Mandy: Well, great, how much does that pay?
Georgie: I can't stay where I'm not wanted.
Mandy: What are you talking about? My mom didn't want you here, and yet here you are.

Mandy: Hey. Hey. Where you been?
Georgie: Getting another job.
Mandy: You got a job already?
Georgie: I did.
Mandy: Aw. That's great. Wait, it's legal, right? Actually, I don't care.

Connor: [enters] Morning, all. Oh, boy, tension's back.

Mandy: So you weren't sleeping with him?
Audrey: It doesn't matter. We dated for a while, then I met your father and fell in love.
Mandy: You were doing both of 'em?
Audrey: Not at the same ti... [whispers]: No. Anyway, he and your dad got into a fistfight over me. It was awful. [chuckles]
Mandy: You're smiling again.
Audrey: Oh. It was awful.

Mandy: You quit?
Georgie: I had to. He said nasty things about your mom.
Mandy: So? She says nasty things about you all the time.
Georgie: She's allowed to. We're family.
Mandy: [sighs] Well, my dad's family. Maybe you could apologize to him.
Georgie: And I'm his family. The road goes two ways.
Mandy: God, you are both stubborn idiots.
Georgie: Hey, don't talk about your father that way.